1. Sex
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sex. Go for it, by all means. But the ‘taboo’ aspect is a matter of subtlety.
If, for example, you’ve been headboard-thumping the plaster off the walls all night to a soundtrack of animalistic grunting,
it’s advisable to creep stealthily past any bristling flatmates – don’t gyrate your way to the kitchen and playfully spank them
with tea-towels. It won’t be funny. Likewise with the walk of shame – exercise subtlety, readers! Be creative; stick close to
(ie. cower behind) parked cars, or stride purposefully with a furrowed brow, as though you are late for something highly important.
Try to ‘own’ the bed-head look. I saw a young chap recently who roused my suspicion by (unwisely) walking against the flow of
university-goers at 9am. Looking smug, he had clearly fashioned a semi-believable Johnny depp-chic ensemble out of last night’s
pirate costume. On closer inspection, his strategy fell apart when I noted the words ‘I love anal’ scrawled across his beer-stained
pantaloons.
2. Nudity
Of course the ‘walk of pride’ is only achievable if you actually retain your clothes from the night before. Ergo taboo no. 2. Now there is nothing shameful or unpleasant in nakedness, and certainly stripping ‘for a laugh’ at the end of a raucous evening can prove amicable if you’re a daring type, but nevertheless, public exposure of your genitalia is pretty taboo (and illegal) in society. Hence, readers, necessary measures must be taken: ban all photography and keep an eye on abandoned garments. Remember, the walk of shame becomes a hellish parade of eternal disgrace if the folks behind are made to follow a pair of pale, flabby buttocks. If you really insist on being one of those people who take a sip of their corona and cannot fight the urge to return to ‘how nature intended it’, then my advice to you would be to fake tan the day before, clench, and run like the wind.
3. Politics
Some may not consider this a ‘taboo’, but it rather depends on the particulars, namely, the absurdity of your beliefs, and the lunacy of others. Example: I’m not an avid fan of Thatcher, and I must admit to certain ‘alternative’ beliefs regarding her authoritarian trade policies and subsequent perpetuation of world poverty. Should I have voiced these opinions? No. Did I? Yes - and, horror of all horrors, in front of my authoritarian right-wing war-supporting capitalist neighbours. BIG MISTAKE. I suffered weeks of derisive mocking and endured endless snide remarks. When I turned a light on, I was reminded that I’d ‘be having a 3-day week if it weren’t for Thatcher’. Upon taking the bus, it was presumed that I ‘delighted in using war oil.’ After shopping, I had to address the issue of whether Marx would approve of my spending. How to avoid the dreaded taboo of political dissonance? Maintain dignity. Wikipedia everything and alter your tone of voice to one of a bored, extensively knowledgeable professional. And naturally, recognize the fact that your opinions will always clash with some fruitcake, no matter how superior and correct you are.
4. Urination
Taboo-breaking activity is at its most criminal when desperate times call for desperate measures. Any victim of circumstance would, in the event of 6 mojitos, a 30-minute walk home and not a Macdonald’s in sight, be heartily persuaded to ‘squat, release, and avoid the police.’ Once again, however, timing and location are everything. Let us imagine the oafish friend of mine who was queuing outside a club when he felt that tell-tale contracting of the bladder. Unfortunately, as he was attending to his needs on the pavement, his ill-chosen sparkly cowboy hat fell to the ground and received the brunt of the offending liquid. Indifferent, the said friend continued and strutted back to his evening’s entertainment, sacrificing the item for the sake of cleanliness. Later, glancing up from the crowd of dancers, he spotted an even more intoxicated young man, beaming proudly from beneath his newfound headgear. Shudder.
5. Flatulence
This is simply never acceptable in public. If you do this, you are too far gone to be helped.
6. Masturbation
Natural, healthy, normal, yada-yada, everyone does it but only the audacious talk of it. I’m all for free expression (if not purely for the impressive wide-ranging catalogue of bizarre euphemisms). However, flagrant taboo-breaking is still a no-no, as exemplified in the case of yet another of my delightful friends, this time female. After leaving her straighteners on for the umpteenth time her room caught fire - bad luck. Unfortunately, her vibrator melted on to the appliance responsible, and fire-men had to ask awkward questions about the liquefied purple plastic that they’d had to remove. Oh God.
7. Vegetarianism
A moral and eco-friendly choice, or a deadly sin? Vegetarianism is in many ways the greatest taboo – ask anyone who has been on the receiving end of the horrified gasps, condescending head shakes, and mutterings of disapproval from appalled meat-eaters. My advice? If your dinner-party host is particularly carnivorous, make up a sob-story like ‘my grandfather died before I was born’ (it doesn’t even have to be related, just use it to gain sympathy - it works on the x-factor) – then, sit back and relax as they pile the veggies on to your plate.
Thus it appears that with a dash of imagination and a hint of tact, even the most obstinate taboo can be circumnavigated. Play your cards right and you could be urinating, masturbating, veg-consuming and politically disagreeing your way to taboo-breaking heaven. Just remember, never fart.
