I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s done it (please say I’m not the only one): it is now half-way through December and I have NOT DONE MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. Sadly this is not a one-off scenario either. Every year, without fail, I leave things until the last minute and then end up panicking and spending way too much in order to assuage my guilt. Being notoriously bad at this sort of organisation my mum actually rang me a few weeks ago to tell me not to worry about getting her a gift; she has already bought her present from me, to her. All I have to do is hand over the mullah. If only it was this simple with everyone else (although I can definitely see opportunity for exploitation with this sort of arrangement: ‘no, sister, I will not pay for your designer heels, I don’t care that you’ve bought them already’). However, for those among us who can’t get our acts together and even manage to make placing an Amazon order far more complicated than it’s worth, there are just as many people willing to make things easier by producing only the very best in stocking fillers. You know, the things you’d never buy at any other time of year but hey-it’s-Christmas-and-you’re-desperate.
Having fallen so drastically behind on crucial present-buying time, I decided to try and prompt some not-so-divine inspiration by browsing the best-sellers lists, which did little to prompt any warm fuzzy yuletide feelings. I tend to turn to music as a first port of call when buying presents, following my own completely flawless hypothesis that I am always very happy to receive an album and therefore everyone else must feel exactly the same. I can say though, that if I was to receive any of the albums currently being promoted on major music websites I would not be impressed. There are now, on the websites that I visited, whole sections devoted to music that has been brought out specifically to target the Christmas market (and HMV’s website also managed to induce some heart palpitations with a countdown banner at the top of the page stating how many days were left to order before Christmas: four days. 21 hours. 42 minutes. 37 seconds). Ignoring the ticking mail-order time bomb, I decided to have a look at some of these festive albums. Now, if having a specific Christmas section doesn’t seem frivolous enough fear not, for the album titles all make it fairly clear that these have about the same shelf-life as the turkeys in the local supermarket. Only the albums, unlike the turkeys, can be wheeled out every Christmas for years to come to continue to spread their commercial cheer (truly, the gift that keeps on giving, no?)
Some of the albums currently available to bring seasonal goodwill in exchange for your hard-earned cash include the omnipresent Michael Bublé with his imaginatively titled Christmas, Justin Bieber’s attempt to melt hearts (not minds) with Under the Mistletoe, plus there’s even Aled’s Christmas Gift from former boy-wonder Aled Jones (ah Aled you shouldn’t have. No really). Personally I can’t see much point in covering songs that have been covered hundreds of times, but in the interest of research I decided to take the plunge and preview Bublé and Bieber’s albums on iTunes. The song snippets have now been extended to 1 minute and 30 seconds, so I had even longer to endure, sorry enjoy, what was on offer.
First up was Christmas, which consists of a whole lot of ‘Christmas classics’ such as ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Santa Baby’ (in Bublé’s version he has changed the lyrics to ‘Santa Buddy’, which didn’t quite fit the theme of the song but I guess artistic license etc, etc). The covers are all pretty recognisable from their originals, with mostly just a few extra percussion beats and trumpets added over the top. There were two things that stood out for me after listening to the album in its entirety, though:
(a) Christmas songs all sound very, very similar. I’d never realised just how much so, but I can thank 15 back-to-back Bublé covers for enlightening me.
(b) After listening to the cover of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’, which Bublé slows right down, thus sucking all the fun out of the song, I had to again ask, why bother? Why bother re-doing songs that have been done so many times and cannot be added to? The Bublé production actually managed to make this song sound like a lament rather than a light-hearted jingle.
The cover of ‘Ave Maria’ was one of the more excruciating moments on the album, and ‘Feliz Navidad’ took me back to my Spanish GCSE classes. After listening to the entire collection, I can’t decide whether Bublé’s crooning or my own attempts to achieve the perfect lisp every week was the more painful experience.
Next up: Under the Mistletoe. I’d already been exposed to the idea of ‘Justin Bieber’ and ‘festive tunes’ due to my embarrassing Saturday night ritual of making sure that all work is finished in time to watch The X Factor (I know, I know). Justin was a special guest one week, but I was left bored stiff by his performance of single ‘Mistletoe’, not to mention irritated by his insistence on calling girls ‘shorty’, but that’s a rant for another day. On the album, his vocals sound slightly better than they did in the X Factor studio, so there’s one positive. The album consists of a mixture of new songs and old covers, including a bizarre rap version of ‘Drummer Boy’ featuring Busta Rhymes (yes, Justin raps too. Contain yourselves). Under the Mistletoe also has a cover of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’, but Bieber has gone one better than Bublé by actually getting Mariah herself to duet on the song. Justin’s version is exactly the same as the original version: same arrangement, same instruments, same Mariah, the only addition (perhaps ‘difference’ is a more apt term) is Bieber’s rather pitchy vocals. The song in its original incarnation is too high for Justin’s voice, so his parts all sound a little strained. Again, it simply begs the question, why remake it? Why repeatedly tread old ground?
These artists in particular are pretty young and current, so why the need to release dated Christmas albums covering songs that have been covered by just about everyone else for what feels like since before the nativity even took place? The amount of money and time that is ploughed into producing an album would surely be better spent on creating something new and original, except of course that the money used to make the album is dwarfed by the sum that is reaped through sales during this period. Sales are always higher at this time of year, but in an era when the popularity of the album is in decline, Christmas-themed offerings continue to sell consistently well, year-in, year-out, regardless of the state of the global economy or whether the record is actually any good. I’m sure that there are plenty of people who have, in a mad dash for last minute gift-buying, picked up Susan Boyle or Josh Groban’s festive outputs for some (un)lucky relative, or to play at Christmas work parties to ‘get people in the mood’. (I’m sure they get some people in a mood, I can’t vouch that it will always be that which is intended.)
Anyway, speaking of being late off the mark to get Christmas shopping sorted…I owe my ‘Secret Santa’ housemate a present on Friday (at the time of writing that is a fairly substantial two days away. Give or take a few hours/minutes/seconds thank you, HMV). I have no idea what I’m going to get, but worry that I may find myself susceptible to the enticing ease that an uncontroversial, homogenous seasonal album offers. My Secret Santa recipient may not be a Bieber fan, but hey, it’s Christmas innit?
*I would like to apologise to all Bublé and Bieber fans that may have been offended by the writing of this article.
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